time and holding on

does anyone else have this pervasive feeling that life is passing them by? i often can't remember what I did last monday or what i did on an average tuesday. looking back, that may have been the most off-putting part about covid, that a couple of months went by, but i really have no idea what happened. a couple of weeks ago i turned 26 and I'm kind of upset about? the tone of birthdays usually is celebratory or joyful, but I can't help but think of the fact that an entire year had just went by it just felt like i was going with the whims and flows of life. not being able like i have time to process my minutes, days, and hours is definitely an overwhelming, disheartening, and scary realization. i want to be present, i want to know that where i am is really because of my own choice and not just a culmination of random opportunities and daily tasks.

and there in this detached and dull feeling comes surging in the Lord. there is a deep reality that the Lord of the heaven and earth is in control. He knows what He is about. my life is not my own. there is a master of existence at work. He is present, even when He feels distant. i realize the pressing feeling of my life seeming like it has gotten away from my own ability to process it all, is really just a place where i have reached the limit of my own comprehension of all of the different nuanced facets of life.

and then comes these two prayers. i can't begin to explain how freeing it is to let go of control and escape into the presence of the one who holds all things together. my life is not all in vain nor purposeless nor has it gotten away from me. i am simply just not in control and that is okay.

The Serenity Prayer
Grant to us the serenity of mind to accept that which cannot be changed; courage to change that which can be changed, and wisdom to know the difference

The Mission of My Life
God has created me to do Him some definite service.
He has committed some work to me
which He has not committed to another.
I have my mission.
I may never know it in this life,
but I shall be told it in the next.
I am a link in a chain,
a bond of connection between persons.
He has not created me for naught.
I shall do good; I shall do His work.
I shall be an angel of peace,
a preacher of truth in my own place,
while not intending it if I do but keep His commandments.
Therefore, I will trust Him, whatever I am,
I can never be thrown away.
If I am in sickness, my sickness may serve Him,
in perplexity, my perplexity may serve Him.
If I am in sorrow, my sorrow may serve Him
He does nothing in vain.
He knows what He is about.
He may take away my friends.
He may throw me among strangers.
He may make me feel desolate,
make my spirits sink,
hide my future from me.
Still, He knows what He is about.
- Saint John Henry Cardinal Newman